i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Randomize
