dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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