i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
stop calling my apartment porn island.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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