five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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