I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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