You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Everyone says I win the strip club
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
