please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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