clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
