Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
