Will you blow on my dice?
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize