Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
