Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Randomize
