You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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