it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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