My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
