I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
