when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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