There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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