I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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