Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Well I just put wine in my tea
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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