I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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