you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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