I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize