If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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