He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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