it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
