have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
