ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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