Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
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