I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
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