I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
