I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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