So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I can't put those talents on a resume
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
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