your thong is hanging out like whoa
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
