You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I would fuck him just for his dog
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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