the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
foreskin is a definite game changer
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Pants are for mortals
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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