Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
