I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
