Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize