please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
