I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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