the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize
