I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
