I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Randomize
