Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
