Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
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