Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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