all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
