Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
