I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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