Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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