Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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