I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
